You're right, I know you're right...

Sometimes I hit these introspective moments that slap me in the face. Its like I've been lazily sleeping on the job just doing the routine; or I realize I didn't put on shoes for the day or brush my teeth. I just wake up for a minute, get out of my sleepy body, look at it and say 'what are you doing!?' Then I get back into my body and crank it into gear. I don't know how it happens. How I make it from one of those moments back into slumber mode but it does and I feel sick when it does.

I've been told that the devil likes to work in babysteps. He sees a slippery slope and slowly moves us down, and down, and down until we don't know how we got there. He's a sly dog. He's a jerk. He knows exactly what he's doing and deliberately works to get us down. Its tough work, manipulation, it has to be deliberate or we wouldn't actually make it to the bottom. We'd wake up before getting there and just jump back.

Life is never just going to happen. You don't just wake up and you're the ideal self one morning. The same tough work of manipulation can be countered with deliberate pursuit of the ideal self. The self God created you to be. This self takes deliberate action to crack into and be whittled out; it takes watering and pruning; it takes dusting and buffing; it takes caring and keeping; it takes sweat and tears. But luckily, we don't have to do it alone ("My yoke is easy and my burden is light"). We don't have to take deliberate steps on our own. The battle is won. We simply have to make the choice to take up the yoke and walk in victory each day.

Sometimes we get stuck in our chains. Sometimes we chose our chains because they feel comfortable. Sometimes its scary to be free. People don't know what to do with themselves. I don't like the idea of being in a cage that I hold the key to, that just sounds mental.

Henri Nouwen

"The movement of God's Spirit is very gentle, very soft—and hidden. It does not seek attention. But that movement is also very persistent, strong and deep. It changes our hearts radically.”

clocks

I really like silence. I like it when the house is quiet and it feels like no one is around and you can hear the passing cars and their fading echos. I like listening to the refrigerator buzz and hearing the heat turn on. I like hearing myself breathe and the sounds of my belly growling or processing whatever I just gave it to ease the growl. I like it when its quiet. I like listening to my thoughts, even though at times they drive me to prayer because I know I'm over thinking something or can't figure something out. It makes me thankful. Because I reach a feeling that I can't do it and without that "I can't do it" feeling, I wouldn't embrace my need for God or the power He wants to flood into my life.

One thing I do not like to hear when its quiet is the sound of a clock ticking.

My mom loves clocks. I remember having a sleepover and realizing just how much she loves clocks. As we went to bed, my friends and I were forced to level with an army of ticking in the darkness. I remember going around the room gathering clocks and returning to find there were MORE. I think I found 9 clocks that night in our living room.

Ticking clocks are a reminder that time is passing. I don't want to think about time passing when I'm trying to enjoy silence.

In small group we've been covering many topics, but all in relation to the church calendar. The church calendar is based on the idea that time is sacred. God wants to interact with us in unique ways in time. His spirit can even be present in seemingly different ways in various seasons. The significants of each event on the church calendar is to heighten our awareness of God's presence in those seasons.

So I find it interesting that the only thing that bothers me in silence is a ticking clock. If I embrace time as an eternal creature who is gaining time then I shouldn't be bothered by a ticking clock. But I think of it as a loss. I think of it in monetary terms-spending time, wasting time, time management... I feel like the ticking clock is nagging me, "What are you doing? You have things to do today, you can't just sit there in silence." This view of the ticking clock distracts and takes away from my reaching the afore mentioned need for God in my thoughts, the "I can't do it" feeling.

Therefore, I choose to view today as eternal. I choose to live in it as if it were adding to my life, not taking away from it. I choose to live as if the things I do today shape the things I do tomorrow and the next, and the next... They don't have to be epic. They don't have to be "big moments," they just have to be baby steps forward in the time God is giving me. He set the sun and moon into existence, one to govern the day, and one to govern the night. And time was established. So let the clocks tick. They don't bother me, they are only counting the time I'm gaining, 4 years, 12 years, 22 years, 44 years, 94 years... Bring it. I ain't got nothin' but time.

Just water it.

At 28 degrees with 11mph winds, it feels like 18 degrees in Marion, IN today.

Such a terrible day for me to wish it were summer.

Why does the grass ALWAYS seem greener? Why do we always wish for the things that we don't have or can't experience in these moments? What's wrong with all the cool stuff we can experience?
Living in the present is such a gift.
I choose to be present today. I choose to wear a scarf and jacket because I wanted to do that this summer and I was stupid because it was tank top weather. I choose to embrace my Wednesday off of work because I won't have it this way for long. I choose to look to the future with excitement and not despair that I can't have the future stuff right now. I choose to pray and wait for the things God has yet to come, but not to linger in those thoughts. I choose to trust that God is bringing those future things in due time. perfect time.  

"The grass is greener where you water it."

Cheese quote, but so true.

On Letting Go

One of my dearest friends (coughcoughAnneJohns) wrote the poem below. I always love reading it. Luckily, this morning I found it randomly tucked away on my computer (as was my hope in tucking it- that it would I would be able to discover it once again).

On Letting Go

I have a tendency to grab

onto fragile things

like stems of dandelion seeds

I hold them tightly

block the breeze

worry they'll be swept

from my tightly clenched fist

my crushing grip achieves

more damage than my fear

disfiguring the treasures

that I hold so dear

but when I allow the wind

to whip them from my hand

I watch them

spreading, rooting, flourishing

when I've let them be

I find them growing up all round me

little yellow jewels

the wind served well

that wouldn't have ever grown

if my hands had not let go

Driving Home

I always love my drive home.
Whether its crumby weather or sunshine the whole way. I love it. Its so beautiful. People usually wince at me when they find I have to drive 10 hours alone, but I honestly wouldn't have it any other way (of course, I wish all my friends and family were closer.. but those are different thoughts).
It was snowing this time. Indiana and Ohio had some scary drifts, but through West Virginia and Virginia it was more like rain with some winter wonderland peppering the grass.
I love that I'm from North Carolina. Daniel from the bookstore always makes fun of me when I go off about NC, but I seriously am prideful about my roots.
Everyone from NC loves it here. When I'm home, my family usually seems confused at my choice to live in IN. They don't understand why anyone would ever choose to live somewhere else. It honestly makes me question. They ask me things like, "What do you do up there?" There's obviously nothing to do anywhere else.
Even though I enjoy my drive alone, I always have moments when I wish someone else were in the car. But I don't like carpooling. I do it cause it makes sense to split the gas but I'd really rather drive alone than have just anyone come with me. I love the times when I've been able to share the drive with a good friend.
Anyhow, so the snow was pretty and the drive was delightful. I need new music but I still loved every minute.
Praise the Lord for being an introvert.

shh, don't tell them or i'll seem like a sap...

I miss my friends and family from home today.
Can't wait to spend some quality time with them in a few weeks.
Cheers to North Carolina this morning.

Blindfolds

Do you ever read the bible, and you're like seriously? that happened for 3 years? What did he do on his off time? What did he do between all the stuff God was doing in his life? How did he live with just that one command for 3 whole years?! Daniel was brought under the king's rule. Trained for 3 years and then entered into the king's service. He interpreted dreams and peaced out of a huge fire without a scorch, scratch or singe... All through God's power of course... and he's not shy about giving God the praise for what He has done in Daniel's life.

Or what about that verse where it says, "And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men." (Luke 2:52) What? How am I supposed to navigate adolescence and early adulthood when you only gave me that one sentence of how Jesus did it?! I used to get so pissed about that verse. God probably laughs at me and says- its not that hard, I only gave you a one command, just grow.

3 years is a long time. 3 years ago I was 19.5 years old, a Sophomore in college, learned how to be an RA, entered into my first relationship, unsure what God wanted with my life after school (still growing in that), and a COMPLETELY different person. Its weird to think about how long that is and how scripture will sum up 3 years of growth for someone in a few sentences. But they were moldable years. For sure! Like I said, I'm a completely different person.

Maybe God leaves years a little blank in scripture because they don't look the same to everyone. Maybe He keeps them mysterious because they are supposed to be lived in daily surrender to whatever He wants to speak into them. Maybe He likes keeping us in the "need to know" level of communication. Maybe He just wants us to keep in mind that He is sovereign and knows best. Maybe life is a lesson of TRUST. I know it has been for me.

So I guess I choose to look at those types of passages with excitement. God has a plan. He's romantic and wants to keep it spontaneous. He wants to hold his hands over my eyes for a few years and then bring me to the edge of something and then whisper "ok, you can open them now" and then blow my mind with all the stuff he's been planning for years. The stuff he's been doing in the background along the journey. The cool stuff that "I just want to know now!" The stuff that you write books about. The "big moment" type stuff. So I choose to trust him. Trust for the 3 years or for the 27, whatever it takes.

He's got it. I'm thankful.

Interpret my dreams...

Part of it, I was getting married. And my wedding was on a Sunday so people were already dressed up but they were planning on coming to my wedding after church. As I was getting ready and talking to my mom I realized that I didn't have a dress! Then I looked in my closet and showed my mom a green dress and she was like, 'you have to wear white!' And I thought, 'oh yeah, I don't want people to think I'm not a virgin!' Then I found a short white dress. Mom said that'd do and we went across the street to I guess my aunt's house? And then I realized the guy I was going to marry is already married! So I said 'shoot, I need a groom.'  And I started to get sad that I was just looking around and trying to settle, but then I felt pressure from my mom and everyone coming to the wedding that I didn't have it all together so we could have the wedding that day. I even remember thinking into the details of someone traveling really far to come to the wedding and I was like 'I can't let them down.' (haha- so let me commit to ANYONE just so that person doesn't waste a day of travel. great logic.) 

Then another part of the dream, there was a murder. It was one girl out of many friends who were models. And I got to the scene before all of the other model friends. and I was like 'Ah, call the cops!' Then the other models came up the stairs, gasped and soon acted like it wasn't a big deal. Then the girl who was stabbed woke up. I asked who stabbed her and she said it was this guy who was also a cop. So the guy who stabbed her shows up with another cop and they start asking what happened. I attack the cop who stabbed the girl and saying, 'you know what happened!' As I went towards him, he runs away. The other models move on and start to laugh about text messages or something and they don't care about their friend. Which makes me sad. Then the medical team came and took the stabbed girl on this stretcher backpack thing. The guy carrying her runs/skips down the stairs with the stabbed girl bobbing behind him on the backpack thing. I remember thinking 'that doesn't feel good after you've been stabbed.' And I remember the stairs looked like subway stairs. And I hated that the murderer cop got away. 

That's all I remember. 

I'm over the little fears I sometimes get of writing out loud.

...Hopefully.
I think its interesting how different people have different mediums of expressing themselves. Sometimes I wish I were a singer and I could just express myself through song. Or a dancer and it all comes out in my moves. Or a writer and all I need is a pen to get that stuff out of me that gets locked in.
I need to find my medium. I don't think I have a main outlet for expression. I think I have multiple ones. Running, dancing, writing, thinking (does that count?), talking it out, singing at times... maybe that's ok to have lots of outlets. Keeps the romance alive, right?
Who knows.
But I do enjoy seeing people use their outlets when needed. And I like knowing what outlet works best for them.
Aight, late.

(SEE I almost deleted this post because I fear writing and expressing myself through this medium. I'm writing out loud. get over it.)

Cutlery

Forks can be scary. I praise God for the purpose He is showing me as we figure out my forks. I don't feel confident to step in one direction or the other. But I know that with patience, God will begin to lightly shove me in the direction that's best. I can confidently walk in His kingdom. Daily I'll get there. Stop asking me what I'm doing tomorrow; I don't know. But I know who knows and I dependently trust in Him. 

^{1 Corinthians 1:26-31
26} Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. ²⁷ But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. ²⁸ God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, ²⁹ so that no one may boast before him. ³⁰ It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. ³¹ Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”

space.

I decided today that I gotta have my space.
I need to have some place where I define as thinking space or writing space or getting tasks done space or reading space... Its been a pattern for my life and I see it now. But it's kind of an inconvenient way to be in such a transitional house as this has been lately.
So I kind of decided that since my house feels transitional, i'll just create a space that can be transitional as well.

Um, it looks like this....

So this is where I think, read, eat, pray, love... you know. And its transitional! I can sit on the porch, or in the living room, or in my room, or in Anne's room, or on the stairway, or at a ballgame... It goes anywhere! It's like a swiss army knife for my brain.

So, cheers to my red lawn chair. You help my brain breathe and feel at home.

(Please try not to judge the things I decide to blog about, ok?)

Waiting for Boaz

I gotta get to bed earlier

when i don't, things like this happen...

...such a pleasure to run my own home.

Back in the game.

Journals and blogs have overwhelmed me lately, but I need to start somewhere. Its healthy. It's good for me. I can't put off processing my life forever.
The other day I realized I haven't fully processed graduation and I got a little upset about it. Its going to take time, I know, but I feel like I should be further along than I am.
I believe that ceremonies, weddings, funerals, graduations... etc. are good for us because they help us face the transitions and changes we go through in healthy ways. I think that when we don't participate fully in those ceremonies, we are missing something. The weekend of my graduation, I feel like I had a lot going on in my mind and I just kind of coped my way through it without fully engaging in the joy of graduating. And I think through that process, I allowed the anxieties to steal a lot of the joy graduations should bring. So my plan is to call my mom soon and plan little graduation gathering when I get back from Honduras. I think this will be helpful in allowing me to fully celebrate and feel closure.
I have accomplished something. I have a freaking college degree that says so! Why don't I feel happy about that? Probably because I've suffered a lot of discontentment with my major and some of my classes this year. But I shouldn't let those discontentments create a dis-creditation in my head of the accomplishment God has brought me to. I'm excited about the things that I've learned and ready to apply them in real life situations while continuing to learn more. We're always students in a sense and I never want to stop learning and growing each day.

What to say...

I've been wanting to blog for a while, but haven't felt like I have anything to say... so here's my life in a nutshell.

I'm going to CA for spring break, I leave Saturday :D STOKED to spend time away from school thoughts and hang out with Danielle Faust and Emily Larson.

My future is coming together. I've made the decision to stay in Marion for next year. Which is a little scary, but I continue to feel affirmed in the decision. Now I just need to sort through my priorities for next year. I have so many things I want to do and be involved in. I just need to figure out what is most important and why God is affirming me to stay here.

I had a really bad headache yesterday to the point that I thought something might be wrong with me. But its gone this morning so we'll see if it comes back I might get checked out...

Prayers. I would really love your prayers as I try to figure out my internship. I have emailed an organization in Honduras and they've emailed me back saying they are interested and excited but needed to look over the paperwork and pray about it. So pray that God's will is made known to them as they consider allowing me to come work with them.  Its basically an organization that works with agricultural development and has a mentoring component. It would be pretty much perfect for what i'm looking for.

I really love listening to music. I want to do it all day everyday. But I can't always get my homework done while listening.

I'm fasting from Caffeine for lent and trying to train myself to pay attention to God's presence and feel affirmed my Him in a more real way. You can pray for that too. Its been hard, but its working and I'm sensing God in some unique times throughout the day. its cool.

Ok, I should get to work now.
Closing thought.
"We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.”
- Jim Rohn

I'm so possessive of my mornings

If you haven't watched a sunrise in awhile, get on that.

Boots

I woke up this morning to...



And from there it was official.

Today is the day I will debut my boots to the world.

(I'm trying to be epic. but really I'm just nervous so my coping mechanism is to make humor of it and embrace the fun in wearing boots not the self-conscious feelings I have in my stomach.)

"Even Jesus Wept"

I don't know the rules about posting things. But I like this article so I'm putting it here too even though I put it on my status like 2 minutes ago.

I think the title is a little cheese, cause the "Jesus wept" verse is not the only place you find God showing us His emotions in scripture, but I feel like its the only one that ever gets attention.

To real you in, here is a take away I like about it...
"Giving into and being consumed by strong emotion is unhealthy, yes, even sinful; but having emotion in its proper context is good, even holy." 

Now, read it.