This is my new favorite song and i'm jamming to it all day long.
Give me Faith
by: Elevation Worship
I need you to soften my heartTo break me apartI need you to open my eyesTo see that You're shaping my life
All I am,I surrender
Give me faith to trust what you sayThat you're good and your love is greatI'm broken inside, I give you my life
I need you to soften my heartTo break me apartI need you pierce through the darkAnd cleanse every part of me
I may be weakYour spirit strong in meMy flesh may failMy God you never will
Father, I want to be your instrument. Don't let my weaknesses get in the way.
"My flesh and my hear may fail, but God is the strength of my heartand my portion forever"Psalm 73:26
7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
2 Corinthians 4
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
I am an onion.
3 reasons why:
-My thoughts are so layered with: emotions, past, present, and future thoughts, thoughts from other people, thoughts from books, thoughts from websites, and then of course there are the thoughts that are constantly processing those thoughts and other thoughts that have sparked from the above thoughts... I could go on. The point is, I think a lot and sometimes too much.
-I literally think I've cried everyday for the past month. Somedays its like a little cry or a choked up tear, and other day its like a full out weep fest, but either way, the tear ducts have developed and I am my mother. (By the way i'm not depressed! I think bullet 1 just sparks bullet 2)
-Sometimes I feel like i'm being cut into by something outside of me... maybe God... maybe a conversation... maybe something I read... and other times I feel like I have these natural cuts going on that I wasn't even aware of but as each layer comes back, I see the natural pieces fall (this point might be a little too abstract, but i'm leaving it there)
-My thoughts are so layered with: emotions, past, present, and future thoughts, thoughts from other people, thoughts from books, thoughts from websites, and then of course there are the thoughts that are constantly processing those thoughts and other thoughts that have sparked from the above thoughts... I could go on. The point is, I think a lot and sometimes too much.
-I literally think I've cried everyday for the past month. Somedays its like a little cry or a choked up tear, and other day its like a full out weep fest, but either way, the tear ducts have developed and I am my mother. (By the way i'm not depressed! I think bullet 1 just sparks bullet 2)
-Sometimes I feel like i'm being cut into by something outside of me... maybe God... maybe a conversation... maybe something I read... and other times I feel like I have these natural cuts going on that I wasn't even aware of but as each layer comes back, I see the natural pieces fall (this point might be a little too abstract, but i'm leaving it there)
Thursday, October 27, 2011
I look at guilt and I say: No. You may not steal my joy.
I just made a list of things that are stressing me out todays. Its really annoying when you feel like you're living in the guilt of the things you're not getting done and not enjoying the things you are getting done. I wish I could just relax.
I need to escape from the academic scene for awhile. I'm starting to feel a little homesick. I've "lived" in Indiana for over a year now... Christmas break will be a breath of fresh air.
I don't WANT it to be Christmas break, because that means I'm half way done with my last year here. But I DO want it to be Christmas break because its means I'm half way through Sr. year.
Does that make any sense?
Being an adult was fun this summer, I want to do that again.
There are so many things I need to learn before all that though. And one of them is getting good grades. So now that I've tried to clam down my stress, I'm going to study for my Minority Group Relations test that's tomorrow then I can skype with Jill when she gets back from watching intramural football.
No to guilt, yes to joy and freedom. Got it.
I need to escape from the academic scene for awhile. I'm starting to feel a little homesick. I've "lived" in Indiana for over a year now... Christmas break will be a breath of fresh air.
I don't WANT it to be Christmas break, because that means I'm half way done with my last year here. But I DO want it to be Christmas break because its means I'm half way through Sr. year.
Does that make any sense?
Being an adult was fun this summer, I want to do that again.
There are so many things I need to learn before all that though. And one of them is getting good grades. So now that I've tried to clam down my stress, I'm going to study for my Minority Group Relations test that's tomorrow then I can skype with Jill when she gets back from watching intramural football.
No to guilt, yes to joy and freedom. Got it.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Every morning this week...
...I've woken up to a post-it note that says "get good grades."
Its just a subtle reminder of my goal these days.
I want to be better at school. I know its not what i'm naturally good at and that God hasn't really gifted me academically, but I'm capable of a lot more than I've been acomplishing. And I've come to the conclusion that its what i'm called to for this season. I told a friend the other day that its ok for her to say no to some of the things she really wants to do but can't because they don't make sense academically. Those things will come into fruition at some point in her life, I'm sure. But right now she has to manage her time differently...
And then I processed my own advice and ate my words.
I've been saying yes to things in my time management and not being a good steward of my brain and working hard in my schooling when that is what I am called to right now. There ARE things that I can do right now and I do feel called to those things, but they shouldn't be my focus as much as being a student.
So if you think of me this week and want to know how to pray for me or help me out, ask me how I'm doing academically and encourage me to be a good steward of the brain God has given me.
Its just a subtle reminder of my goal these days.
I want to be better at school. I know its not what i'm naturally good at and that God hasn't really gifted me academically, but I'm capable of a lot more than I've been acomplishing. And I've come to the conclusion that its what i'm called to for this season. I told a friend the other day that its ok for her to say no to some of the things she really wants to do but can't because they don't make sense academically. Those things will come into fruition at some point in her life, I'm sure. But right now she has to manage her time differently...
And then I processed my own advice and ate my words.
I've been saying yes to things in my time management and not being a good steward of my brain and working hard in my schooling when that is what I am called to right now. There ARE things that I can do right now and I do feel called to those things, but they shouldn't be my focus as much as being a student.
So if you think of me this week and want to know how to pray for me or help me out, ask me how I'm doing academically and encourage me to be a good steward of the brain God has given me.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
CCDA Introversion time
Sometimes I like to blog my thoughts and try to be deep, and other times i just like to talk.
This is just me talking.
I'm in Indy for the CCDA conference. It has been great, but I am a little overwhelmed with all of the knowledge flowing through my brain at the moment-lots to process.
I woke up at 6:00am yesterday and headed down here and i feel like its been non-stop ever sense. The plenaries have been a little bland this year, but the basics are- don't settle for mediocrity for yourself as a teacher or your students.
But the workshops have been pretty solid. I've gone to 4- one on sustainable food, one on affordable housing, another on strategic neighboring, and the last one was about locating assets for a community.
So now everyone went to dinner and i stayed back at the conference center to chill alone and find dinner and feel a little independent before I have to babysit children 6:30-9:30 to fulfill my volunteer hours (which allowed me to come here for $25 as opposed to the $200something i would have been paying-so i'm thankful).
BUT, to place a to-go order at the restaurant here in the hotel, you had to order from the bar.
So i got a side salad at the bar. I felt out of place, but it was funny.
Now I just finished my salad and i'm chilling out in a hallway being introverted until babysitting time.
And just now, John Perkins started interviewing with a group of Wheaton students about 10 feet away from me. I'm eaves dropping. I might go over there-probably not. Perkins is such a champ.
This is just me talking.
I'm in Indy for the CCDA conference. It has been great, but I am a little overwhelmed with all of the knowledge flowing through my brain at the moment-lots to process.
I woke up at 6:00am yesterday and headed down here and i feel like its been non-stop ever sense. The plenaries have been a little bland this year, but the basics are- don't settle for mediocrity for yourself as a teacher or your students.
But the workshops have been pretty solid. I've gone to 4- one on sustainable food, one on affordable housing, another on strategic neighboring, and the last one was about locating assets for a community.
So now everyone went to dinner and i stayed back at the conference center to chill alone and find dinner and feel a little independent before I have to babysit children 6:30-9:30 to fulfill my volunteer hours (which allowed me to come here for $25 as opposed to the $200something i would have been paying-so i'm thankful).
BUT, to place a to-go order at the restaurant here in the hotel, you had to order from the bar.
So i got a side salad at the bar. I felt out of place, but it was funny.
Now I just finished my salad and i'm chilling out in a hallway being introverted until babysitting time.
And just now, John Perkins started interviewing with a group of Wheaton students about 10 feet away from me. I'm eaves dropping. I might go over there-probably not. Perkins is such a champ.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
neighbors
Matthew 22:37-40
"Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
He makes it sound so easy! Gee wizz, I wish all I only had to study scripture. I should have majored in Biblical Literature.
"Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
He makes it sound so easy! Gee wizz, I wish all I only had to study scripture. I should have majored in Biblical Literature.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Wrestling
I think God has been trying to teach me the same lesson for the past year. And I STILL can't get it straight. I think He's been calling me to a deeper relationship with Him, but I just won't let go and allow myself to go deeper. I don't know why...
Its like i'm a baby trying to learn the word "apple" and God is standing in front of my high chair saying REPEATEDLY "apple. apple. aaaappplllleee. sound it out Kayla, you got this, apple. apple." Of course He is the most patient Father ever and He'll say Apple for all of eternity until I finally stop looking at Him with my doe eyes, and open my mouth and say "Aaapple!" Of course, i've been sounding out the word;stumbling and trying so hard to understand what God has been saying, but am I truly trying my best? I don't know. There is no gauge of how long it takes to learn something. Maybe its supposed to take this long, maybe the depth God has been trying to take me to is much deeper than anything I could ever relate to. Maybe its more like God's trying to teach me the word "magnanimous." And I'm like, I got Apple. What in the world is He trying to say now? I don't know. Whatever it is God is teaching me, I'm uncomfortable. And I know I'm uncomfortable and I know I asked to be uncomfortable so that God would teach me stuff, but the discomfort is tough and I don't want to be in it forever. So I'm wrestling like Jacob and just praying God will dislocate my hip (hopefully not literally) so that I can finally get His blessing. So whatever it is that i'm supposed to be learning, I'm learning it and wrestling with it and looking at the lips of God as He tries to sound it out so it'll finally get through my thick scull.
Also, I sometimes think that wrestling is the best expression of my love languages. so Maybe God truly is wrestling with me and teaching me something in the most loving way I can understand.
Its like i'm a baby trying to learn the word "apple" and God is standing in front of my high chair saying REPEATEDLY "apple. apple. aaaappplllleee. sound it out Kayla, you got this, apple. apple." Of course He is the most patient Father ever and He'll say Apple for all of eternity until I finally stop looking at Him with my doe eyes, and open my mouth and say "Aaapple!" Of course, i've been sounding out the word;stumbling and trying so hard to understand what God has been saying, but am I truly trying my best? I don't know. There is no gauge of how long it takes to learn something. Maybe its supposed to take this long, maybe the depth God has been trying to take me to is much deeper than anything I could ever relate to. Maybe its more like God's trying to teach me the word "magnanimous." And I'm like, I got Apple. What in the world is He trying to say now? I don't know. Whatever it is God is teaching me, I'm uncomfortable. And I know I'm uncomfortable and I know I asked to be uncomfortable so that God would teach me stuff, but the discomfort is tough and I don't want to be in it forever. So I'm wrestling like Jacob and just praying God will dislocate my hip (hopefully not literally) so that I can finally get His blessing. So whatever it is that i'm supposed to be learning, I'm learning it and wrestling with it and looking at the lips of God as He tries to sound it out so it'll finally get through my thick scull.
Also, I sometimes think that wrestling is the best expression of my love languages. so Maybe God truly is wrestling with me and teaching me something in the most loving way I can understand.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Reality.
Today is the first day of class. I think this one really is my last first day of school. Unless I go crazy and try to get more degrees.
Friday, August 26, 2011
forpests
...another spam block word. Whose pests was my comment for? Maybe it was for our pet cricket we have here in the South Lodge. He lives in the lobby oven and frequently follows Taylar and I to the store or Anne and I to a North Hall visit or two. He is a faithful pet.
The past few days have been pretty good. Behind Closed Doors, making name tags for the lodges, goofing around with the staff, and reviewing programming. I'm always pretty bad at programming, but i've vowed to continue to grow in the job that i've been doing for 2 years. I think there are better ways to do things and i want to seek the best. so if you hear me grumbling about programming this year, remind me of my commitment to excellence.
In other news, I got a new computer. There is a lot to learn switching from a PC to a Mac, but i'm enjoying it so far.
Also, my room needs a lot of work. I still want it to feel cozy, so cozy that people will want to come see me and hang out in my room even when i'm not home. Hopefully I can create that feel. We'll see.
We have our staff day away tomorrow. I am excited to say the least.
The past few days have been pretty good. Behind Closed Doors, making name tags for the lodges, goofing around with the staff, and reviewing programming. I'm always pretty bad at programming, but i've vowed to continue to grow in the job that i've been doing for 2 years. I think there are better ways to do things and i want to seek the best. so if you hear me grumbling about programming this year, remind me of my commitment to excellence.
In other news, I got a new computer. There is a lot to learn switching from a PC to a Mac, but i'm enjoying it so far.
Also, my room needs a lot of work. I still want it to feel cozy, so cozy that people will want to come see me and hang out in my room even when i'm not home. Hopefully I can create that feel. We'll see.
We have our staff day away tomorrow. I am excited to say the least.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Lodges
I live somewhere different now. You can no longer find me in room 309 of North Hall East where i once resided for 2 years.
How do i feel?
Well, I started off a little shaky. Transitions are never easy you know? But there are a lot of cool things about transitions. To be honest, I have a love/hate relationship with transitions. The hates include the uncomfortable nature of the matter, but the loves include lots of stretching and growth. If you've ever gone through a tough transitions, don't forget to debrief after. There is a lot more growth that can happen when you take the time to pay attention. So I am in the gray area right now between the love and the hate but i am leaning more towards the love. I'm starting to see the purpose in why God asked me to move here and how its shaping me and how it will continue to shape me this year. I know He has a plan and I know His plan includes falling more in love with Him so I'm really liking the honeymoon right now.
There is still a lot to process and a lot to grow in so i'm excited to be uncomfortable in order to see that growth take place. It's cool to see how the shepherd's staff can truly comfort me. Psalm 23.
Psalm 119: 49-50, 56
Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. This has been my practice: I obey your precepts.
How do i feel?
Well, I started off a little shaky. Transitions are never easy you know? But there are a lot of cool things about transitions. To be honest, I have a love/hate relationship with transitions. The hates include the uncomfortable nature of the matter, but the loves include lots of stretching and growth. If you've ever gone through a tough transitions, don't forget to debrief after. There is a lot more growth that can happen when you take the time to pay attention. So I am in the gray area right now between the love and the hate but i am leaning more towards the love. I'm starting to see the purpose in why God asked me to move here and how its shaping me and how it will continue to shape me this year. I know He has a plan and I know His plan includes falling more in love with Him so I'm really liking the honeymoon right now.
There is still a lot to process and a lot to grow in so i'm excited to be uncomfortable in order to see that growth take place. It's cool to see how the shepherd's staff can truly comfort me. Psalm 23.
Psalm 119: 49-50, 56
Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. This has been my practice: I obey your precepts.
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