Sometimes I want people to just know what's going on in my head and other times I wish they would stop trying to get in there. I don't know the balance. I live in a lot of paradoxical thoughts and feelings, it gets confusing to me, and also to those around me (at least I think they're confused, maybe they get me more than I do). I don't know how to delve through them. I feels like i'm swimming in oil with my eyes open. I should be able to see what's going on under there, but it's so dark I can't see. Yet in the midst of the dark oil it's worth ALOT. I know my thoughts and feelings are legitimate. They are rich and valuable, but I don't know how to swim in them.
I'm a feeler. Stuff gets to me and when it does it cuts deep. Lately, I don't trust my feelings. That's super confusing. Many times feelings are my truth, so when my truth looks like a lie how am I to know which way is up?
So maybe I want people in there... swimming around helping me figure out which way is up. Or maybe I want to journey alone and try to figure it out on my own. I don't know which is better. For now, I'm just going to choose the truth of scripture in the midst of the rich yet muggy oil.
Lamentations 3:22-24
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”
