oh, and this too...

I usually don't like Christian music (which sounds bad), but I like this song.

Work in Progress

He's still working on me to make me what I ought to be.
It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars,
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.
How loving and patient He must be, He's still working on me.

These lyrics are just ringing in my head as I try to figure out what angle God is getting at these days and what He's trying to mold me to be like. I know he's the best at shaping me and anything I want to do to get in the way is just idiotic. His ways are higher than my ways. But sometimes it just seems like He wants me to take the hard road and I feel my heels digging into the sand holding back stubbornly wanting to have my own way with life. But I know "He's still working on me to make me what I ought to be." I just don't like this discipline stage I'm in right now. Its hard and I just want to skip it. 

Hebrews 12:4-13 (The whole section really, but here's the highlights...)

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed."

Insurance

Learning about insurance is like trying to learn spanish for me. I just get really frustrated and I want to curse.

Then I can't focus to understand what it actually going on when Dad is trying to explain things like deductibles and what if I have cancer in the future... Its times like these where I just don't want to grow up.

But I've also told myself not to worry. I know God is taking care of me and all I have to do is keep walking forward and He is going to figure it all out. I just need to continue in obedience.


Matthew 6
²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?   ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. 

Womanhood

This morning, after watching Sabrina (Audrey Hepburn movie) with Christa, I decided that I should embrace my femininity in new ways. This might sound a little cheesy to some. But I thought about how if I have a baby girl someday she's going to need my help learning how to be a woman and I want to teach her right! I want her to be able to feel like she can play with Barbies and try out different hair styles and do her own make up... you know all that girl stuff I'm usually not into. So I decided this morning that I'm going to learn that stuff and be more intentional at not rejecting it like I usually do.
NOW, this doesn't mean I'm going to come back to school next semester with lots of make up or new hair styles or whatever... but I have changed my mindset a bit.

With that, I went shopping today and bought some Christmas gifts. Jill and I found these really snazzy vintage boots downtown and I was challenged with this new resolution of femininity... so I tried on the semi high-heeled leather boots and walked around a bit. It felt a little weird and I didn't end up buying them, but I'm going to take mom back tomorrow and get her opinion... she's probably going to go nuts. She loves when I pick out girly stuff. My mom is such a woman.
I should keep taking woman lessons from her I guess.

That's all for now. I'll let you know if I get the boots. Wearing them around would make me a whole new woman... I'm not sure if I'm ready.

Low Rider

Take a little trip, take a little trip with me. 

This was my top jam for the drive home today.
I wish everyone could ride home with me. Its such a beautiful drive. West Virginia mountains are my favorite and the Ohio straights are my least favorite. Bethany can testify that if I end up in KY though that's the leastest of the favorites.

Hillary and Kyle live at the beach, Dad is still in ATL, and Mom and Christa are watching my cousin dance in the Nutcracker. But at least Chloe and the Christmas tree were here to greet me!
(This makes my family sound like the don't appreciate me. But they do, I promise, the timing just didn't work out.)

So I might take a nap before I meet up with Jill for Coffee and picking up Sarah from the airport. She gets home from Italy tonight. Weird.

I can't wait to see my friends and family! Its weird sitting here in my room so close, but everyone still being out of reach.

Disclaimer

Please note: The last post was written during finals week and should in no way reflect my capabilities as a blogger.

Thank you.

I don't even like sandals.

But yesterday I had the urge to wear my sandals.

They should have done free fresh brew again today. Appreciate me McConn.

I got cookies from my mom in the mail yesterday. She did such a good job with them that I thought they were from my grandma! Go mom! I was so excited that I walked around and handed lots of them out. I won't finish them all anyways so might as well spread that NC love. 

One of the Lodges in my unit overflowed their toilet at 11:45pm. So we mopped for awhile and then the emergency maintenance guys showed up to help. Then we got to rest before lots more finals. 

3 more. 

Finals

Today
Spanish speaking section: Check! 80% I'm content.

10:00 Minority Group 

2:00-6:00 Work at the Bookstore

Tuesday
8:00 Marriage and Family
10:00 Intro to Social Work
3:30 Study with Malinda Moon Cox!

Wednesday
8:00 Spanish
3:00 Community Development Workshop

Party all day party all night.

12:52 am

I'm writing a 5 pages paper tonight and there's nothing anyone can do to stop me.
I have so many thoughts on homosexuality I might just write 10 pages.
Doubtful.
God is teaching me so many new things through this paper. I wish I had more time to give the paper a more developed perspective, but I must write it and move on... but i'm sure my thoughts and knowledge will not stop. I want to learn how to love people well. This will probably always be a lesson I will pursue, so as I learn more and dialogue more with the homosexual community, my hope is to learn more of how God sees them and love them as He loves them.
There are just so many things to learn in life. I like learning. I don't like deadlines AT ALL, but I like the things I've learned from going to school all these years.
Somedays I get excited that when my kids start school I get to start school again and relearn all the stuff I never payed attention to. So when my kids pick up the Great Gatsby in the 10th grade, I'm going to read it with them and I'm not going to let them sparknote it like I did.
Or maybe I'll just homeschool my kids and make them watch this like my parents did with me.
Oh boy.

It's getting there...

I just realized my paper that's due Friday is 5-7 pages NOT 7-10! 

Thank you Lord for little blessings. 

The TO-DO (don't read that like todo) list is slowly getting done and the joy of Christmas will begin filling my heart in much bigger ways than it already has. 

But for now, focus is key. 

God has called me to be a student in this time and I want to honor Him with that. 

The thing about high tables

is that you can't just scoot your chair up. It can be hard for a little-legged person like myself.

This morning I'm listening to Imagine (I do not encourage the philosophy this song portrays) in Elder Hall and trying to be a dreamer of what my life will be when I'm done with school and I get to enjoy mornings without thinking about homework. I could be reading a fun book right now or eating breakfast I'll make for myself in my crumby pots and pans. OR BOTH! Or I could write more blogs and tell more people about my life and thoughts on life. Or I could write letters to my family. Or I could go running in the foggy feeling of this morning. Or I could learn guitar. Or call my mom, she would like that... You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

The Need

Yesterday I prayed that the Lord would just come back and take us home.

It was the first time I'd prayed that and truly felt in my heart that I meant it.

Usually I pray that prayer flippantly while in the back of my head I'm thinking... "Come back Lord, BUT could I just have a family and kids first. I think that would be fun. Maybe let me experience some of the joys of this life before going on to be with You in eternity..." You know, stuff like that. Let me get out of college or accomplish something with my life...

But no, this time I was serious. I told God we are broken and that I'm unhappy with being broken. I told Him we just want to be fixed and go home. I said it with a little anger and frustration that He won't just take us home. I said it with the same sense of homesickness that I said was feeling before Thanksgiving.

It was cool. I mean, it was sad to feel that the world is broken, but it was cool to truly connect with the feeling of NEED for a Savior to come and redeem this broken world.

Hopeful Laments

So I'm in a small group and we're learning about the Church calendar. We have a blog for our experiences through the Advent season. Some of my blogs may be from those blog posts just so you know the context when you see one....... ok. 


This is a little of what I was trying to articulate tonight in our small group. Its from my journal, but its applicable.


I feel overwhelmed lately with a sense of grief and sadness. I don't think i'm clinically depressed or anything, but I cry ALOT. If I've counted correctly, minus Thanksgiving break (where I think I was too busy to cry), I have cried everyday for the past month.

Certain things just set me off... Alot of it has been my own dealings with relationships, while other times its the sadness/brokenness around me. I'm just easily touched these days.

I don't think its bad that I can cry at the drop of a hat for the things outside of myself but the things inside of me, I feel aren't right. And every time it happens I get even more frustrated as to why I can't stop crying. I don't like feeling out of control of what's happening to me, but I know there is purpose in it.

I don't want to be a needy person. I want to feel that I can stand with the Lord by my side through anything. And maybe that's it. Maybe God is teaching me to take hold of Him in a more intimate way. But it really hurts to feel like I have to loose my other relationships to do that. I don't like feeling alone and I don't think its healthy to feel that way. I know there is a healthy medium between relying on God for everything and relying on humans, I just can't seem to find it.

I interviewed my Social Work friend, Robert Ayres this morning for a class. He brought up a good point that I feel applies to my sadness these days. It went something like... "You can't deal with the broken population unless you deal with your own brokenness first." Not that you have to be all fixed and perfect, but having a past in something and then trying to help others heal is not proper. Its like being on a plane where they tell you to put your oxygen mask on before helping anyone around you. Its not selfish to try to save your own life, but its necessary if you want to survive long enough help the person next to you. So if I think I'm going to help people relationally, I have to walk through the fire and figure all this stuff out for myself before getting to that point where I can be the most helpful.

In the midst of Advent, the whole mourning for the brokenness and sadness around me makes sense. Bobby Gross in his book Living the Christian year, describes advent as a time for songs and groans. We mourn for the broken world, but we joyfully sing of the coming King who is here to restore such brokenness. He has come and is coming to fix what is broken. Matthew 5 talks about how Christ did not come to abolish the law but to fulfill it. It talks about the heart behind the things that we do and how broken we are on the inside before our thoughts even come into action. And at the end of the chapter we are called to be "perfect as your Father is perfect." How do we do that? I don't know yet.

So I guess this grief feeling is a curse and a blessing. Its given me this perspective of how Christ came to fix what is broken, and to truly feel that something is broken and needs fixing... so Christmas is worth the wait because of that. But its still not easy knowing that the world is so very broken, I am still so very broken and the time has not yet come for all things to be fixed.

"So sing and let your songs be joyful longings; groan and let your cries be hopeful laments."
-Bobby Gross

Give me Faith

This is my new favorite song and i'm jamming to it all day long. 


Give me Faith 
by: Elevation Worship


I need you to soften my heartTo break me apartI need you to open my eyesTo see that You're shaping my life
All I am,I surrender
Give me faith to trust what you sayThat you're good and your love is greatI'm broken inside, I give you my life
I need you to soften my heartTo break me apartI need you pierce through the darkAnd cleanse every part of me
I may be weakYour spirit strong in meMy flesh may failMy God you never will 
Father, I want to be your instrument. Don't let my weaknesses get in the way. 
"My flesh and my hear may fail, but God is the strength of my heartand my portion forever"Psalm 73:26

⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰ We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹ For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. ¹² So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
2 Corinthians 4

I am an onion.

3 reasons why:

-My thoughts are so layered with: emotions, past, present, and future thoughts, thoughts from other people, thoughts from books, thoughts from websites, and then of course there are the thoughts that are constantly processing those thoughts and other thoughts that have sparked from the above thoughts... I could go on. The point is, I think a lot and sometimes too much.

-I literally think I've cried everyday for the past month. Somedays its like a little cry or a choked up tear, and other day its like a full out weep fest, but either way, the tear ducts have developed and I am my mother. (By the way i'm not depressed! I think bullet 1 just sparks bullet 2)

-Sometimes I feel like i'm being cut into by something outside of me... maybe God... maybe a conversation... maybe something I read... and other times I feel like I have these natural cuts going on that I wasn't even aware of but as each layer comes back, I see the natural pieces fall (this point might be a little too abstract, but i'm leaving it there)

I look at guilt and I say: No. You may not steal my joy.

I just made a list of things that are stressing me out todays. Its really annoying when you feel like you're living in the guilt of the things you're not getting done and not enjoying the things you are getting done. I wish I could just relax.

I need to escape from the academic scene for awhile. I'm starting to feel a little homesick. I've "lived" in Indiana for over a year now... Christmas break will be a breath of fresh air.
I don't WANT it to be Christmas break, because that means I'm half way done with my last year here. But I DO want it to be Christmas break because its means I'm half way through Sr. year.
Does that make any sense?

Being an adult was fun this summer, I want to do that again.
There are so many things I need to learn before all that though. And one of them is getting good grades. So now that I've tried to clam down my stress, I'm going to study for my Minority Group Relations test that's tomorrow then I can skype with Jill when she gets back from watching intramural football.

No to guilt, yes to joy and freedom. Got it.

Every morning this week...

...I've woken up to a post-it note that says "get good grades."

Its just a subtle reminder of my goal these days.

I want to be better at school. I know its not what i'm naturally good at and that God hasn't really gifted me academically, but I'm capable of a lot more than I've been acomplishing. And I've come to the conclusion that its what i'm called to for this season. I told a friend the other day that its ok for her to say no to some of the things she really wants to do but can't because they don't make sense academically. Those things will come into fruition at some point in her life, I'm sure. But right now she has to manage her time differently...

And then I processed my own advice and ate my words.

I've been saying yes to things in my time management and not being a good steward of my brain and working hard in my schooling when that is what I am called to right now. There ARE things that I can do right now and I do feel called to those things, but they shouldn't be my focus as much as being a student.

So if you think of me this week and want to know how to pray for me or help me out, ask me how I'm doing academically and encourage me to be a good steward of the brain God has given me.

CCDA Introversion time

Sometimes I like to blog my thoughts and try to be deep, and other times i just like to talk.
This is just me talking.
I'm in Indy for the CCDA conference. It has been great, but I am a little overwhelmed with all of the knowledge flowing through my brain at the moment-lots to process.
I woke up at 6:00am yesterday and headed down here and i feel like its been non-stop ever sense. The plenaries have been a little bland this year, but the basics are- don't settle for mediocrity for yourself as a teacher or your students.
But the workshops have been pretty solid. I've gone to 4- one on sustainable food, one on affordable housing, another on strategic neighboring, and the last one was about locating assets for a community.
So now everyone went to dinner and i stayed back at the conference center to chill alone and find dinner and feel a little independent before I have to babysit children 6:30-9:30 to fulfill my volunteer hours (which allowed me to come here for $25 as opposed to the $200something i would have been paying-so i'm thankful).
BUT, to place a to-go order at the restaurant here in the hotel, you had to order from the bar.
So i got a side salad at the bar. I felt out of place, but it was funny.
Now I just finished my salad and i'm chilling out in a hallway being introverted until babysitting time.

And just now, John Perkins started interviewing with a group of Wheaton students about 10 feet away from me. I'm eaves dropping. I might go over there-probably not. Perkins is such a champ.

neighbors

Matthew 22:37-40
"Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

He makes it sound so easy! Gee wizz, I wish all I only had to study scripture. I should have majored in Biblical Literature.

Wrestling

I think God has been trying to teach me the same lesson for the past year. And I STILL can't get it straight. I think He's been calling me to a deeper relationship with Him, but I just won't let go and allow myself to go deeper. I don't know why...
Its like i'm a baby trying to learn the word "apple" and God is standing in front of my high chair saying REPEATEDLY "apple. apple. aaaappplllleee. sound it out Kayla, you got this, apple. apple." Of course He is the most patient Father ever and He'll say Apple for all of eternity until I finally stop looking at Him with my doe eyes, and open my mouth and say "Aaapple!" Of course, i've been sounding out the word;stumbling and trying so hard to understand what God has been saying, but am I truly trying my best? I don't know. There is no gauge of how long it takes to learn something. Maybe its supposed to take this long, maybe the depth God has been trying to take me to is much deeper than anything I could ever relate to. Maybe its more like God's trying to teach me the word "magnanimous." And I'm like, I got Apple. What in the world is He trying to say now? I don't know. Whatever it is God is teaching me, I'm uncomfortable. And I know I'm uncomfortable and I know I asked to be uncomfortable so that God would teach me stuff, but the discomfort is tough and I don't want to be in it forever. So I'm wrestling like Jacob and just praying God will dislocate my hip (hopefully not literally) so that I can finally get His blessing. So whatever it is that i'm supposed to be learning, I'm learning it and wrestling with it and looking at the lips of God as He tries to sound it out so it'll finally get through my thick scull.

Also, I sometimes think that wrestling is the best expression of my love languages. so Maybe God truly is wrestling with me and teaching me something in the most loving way I can understand.

Reality.

Today is the first day of class. I think this one really is my last first day of school. Unless I go crazy and try to get more degrees.

forpests

...another spam block word. Whose pests was my comment for? Maybe it was for our pet cricket we have here in the South Lodge. He lives in the lobby oven and frequently follows Taylar and I to the store or Anne and I to a North Hall visit or two. He is a faithful pet.
The past few days have been pretty good. Behind Closed Doors, making name tags for the lodges, goofing around with the staff, and reviewing programming. I'm always pretty bad at programming, but i've vowed to continue to grow in the job that i've been doing for 2 years. I think there are better ways to do things and i want to seek the best. so if you hear me grumbling about programming this year, remind me of my commitment to excellence.
In other news, I got a new computer. There is a lot to learn switching from a PC to a Mac, but i'm enjoying it so far.
Also, my room needs a lot of work. I still want it to feel cozy, so cozy that people will want to come see me and hang out in my room even when i'm not home. Hopefully I can create that feel. We'll see.
We have our staff day away tomorrow. I am excited to say the least.

Lodges

I live somewhere different now. You can no longer find me in room 309 of North Hall East where i once resided for 2 years.
How do i feel?
Well, I started off a little shaky. Transitions are never easy you know? But there are a lot of cool things about transitions. To be honest, I have a love/hate relationship with transitions. The hates include the uncomfortable nature of the matter, but the loves include lots of stretching and growth. If you've ever gone through a tough transitions, don't forget to debrief after. There is a lot more growth that can happen when you take the time to pay attention. So I am in the gray area right now between the love and the hate but i am leaning more towards the love. I'm starting to see the purpose in why God asked me to move here and how its shaping me and how it will continue to shape me this year. I know He has a plan and I know His plan includes falling more in love with Him so I'm really liking the honeymoon right now.
There is still a lot to process and a lot to grow in so i'm excited to be uncomfortable in order to see that growth take place. It's cool to see how the shepherd's staff can truly comfort me. Psalm 23.

Psalm 119: 49-50, 56
Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. This has been my practice: I obey your precepts.

musness

I'm going to start keeping record of all the spam block words the internet makes me spell.

Drove home Tuesday, got here just in time for mom's Mexican dinner. We ate together and watched Pretty Little Liars. i love it when mom gets into the shows I like. Then I showered and headed out for s'mores and chat time with some friends from youth group. yummy shmellows.
Jill and Ashley came over in the morning to be cops with me, we ate doughnuts and coffee and talked about Carlos (Ashley's Ecuadorian love) and Griffin (Jill's injured boo) among other things.
Afterwards, Christa lead me through all of her new college purchases. She is getting really excited/nervous to go to school... nervous mostly because she doesn't think all of her stuff will fit in her room. ha! We are different, but i love her :) It's funny to think that I've had little Christa's under my care for the past 2 years and its great to be on this side of it able to comfort her. I gave her little RA warnings too, like use 3M hooks and putty. She has like 9 picture frames ready to roll... i told her don't be upset when you have to send some of those home with mom. She's going to have fun, it'll be a really good year. I wish I could be with her and the parents on move-in day. I'll visit though.
Oh! and we went through our school calendars and listed all the dates in an email for the family. It'll be fun but weird having both of us in different schools this year.
Then around 6:00 mom hosted a Mary Kay party. We learned all about skincare and i didn't know what to do with my hands. Ate wonderful food mom and i made, then i went to "Jill's house" for a sleep over. Always good to have quality time with Jill. I had the WEIRDEST dream involving, the big R in Marion, R2D2, Bronson Pasko, Mrs. Anderson (midget version), a worm puzzle, and 2 nasty banana sandwiches. bizarre. Then Jill and i looked at cool things on the internet this morning and talked over coffee while the Air conditioning man crept around the house.

Being home is wonderful. I love Greensboro, but i miss Marion too. Its tough having 2 homes. My visits home this summer have made me think more about where I will live after graduation. That thought stresses me out, you can pray for me on that one.

Just a little nugget about me

This morning I realized that in the mornings, I usually seek coffee and upbeat music to get me going for the day and in the evenings I like tea and chill music to debrief what just happened.

Sailing in Marion

I've been back in Marion, IN for over a week now. The past week was pretty busy and I think the next few weeks will be as well. I've been working a lot and playing a lot and trying to balance all of that with the rest and refresh time I need in order to be a happy camper.
I also have a new hobby.
Well actually, its a hobby I shareAAAA with Shara McClanahan. I gave her a ride downtown the other day and I told her I need more jewelry in my life. She said her favorite place to buy jewelry was Estate Sales. I was like, cool. Then after I dropped her off, I found one! so I went gardening for awhile then picked her up and we went SAILING in Marion!
Then on Sunday I saw that the Marion Flea Market was open (...you know, the yellow one with all the bikes) so I called up Shara and we went Flea Marketing (I guess I can't call this one "sailing," but still. it was great.)! Shara found a set of dishes in her favorite color and we both decided that instead of registering somewhere when we get married we're just going to ask for cash so we can find all our Domesticated goodies at estate sales and flea markets.
These are her dishes:

I've only spent $25 and i bought a typewriter, a pair of colorful shoes, 4 sets of earrings, a set of 4 yellow bowls, 2 old school paintings, a yellow tea pot, little score cards for Bridge (that i'll write notes to people on), and 2 decks of retro playing cards!
Also, I've been working at the Unorganized Bookstore in town and I got the book Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Laurence For Free! It's been fun to be back in Marion, but I do miss my family and friends in Greensboro and I'm excited to be back with them for another week before school starts up again.
If anyone wants to go Estate Sailing with Shara and I the next one is on August 6th. We're now on the Marion e-mail list for all the local sales. Don't even worry about it.

In other news:
For the past few months on the 25th day I've recognized that its __ many months til Christmas. Why? I do not know.

My garden has been getting big and I've been able to eat out of it.

Today I presented on the culture of Jamaica for Exit Downtown's Kids camp going on this week. This is a picture of our group (from when I went in High School) and the Jamaicans we played Soccer with.

And someone has a pet Parrot in Marion, IN. This is for real.

Parables and Potters

I read an article in the paper today about the Smurf movie coming out. It talked about the importance of story and the impact stories make on people. I agree, and I think Jesus agrees. He talked in parables right?
I went to see the last Harry Potter movie tonight. It was funny to see everyone dressed up, trying so hard to look like the characters in the movie. People sizing other people up and making sure they had the best costume. I couldn't help but think about this on the drive home. We all wanted to be part of that story. We all want to be Harry, Ron, or Hermione. But we're not. Leaving the theater all of my friends and I agreed that we were thankful we didn't dress up because it was over now and we would have felt like idiots walking out of the theater in capes. And maybe those people did feel that way walking out, but they sure didn't feel that way walking in. They were a part of something. They were (in their brains) part of the Harry Potter story. They were making every effort to be a student at Hogwarts. But what's really there? What story did they REALLY want to be a part of?
When I was a kid I wanted to be part of Star Wars. I seriously wanted to be Anikan Skywalker or Princess Leah. And if I couldn't do that, I at least thought it would be cool to be at the premier for the movies. I used to ask my parents if they went and if people dressed up and if it was cool (They were too cool for Star Wars, they didn't go). And tonight I found myself a little proud that I get to tell my kids I was there when the last Harry Potter movie came out. I wanted so bad to be part of the Star Wars story. It was weird. I know it now it was weird. I didn't know it then, but I do now.
But isn't that what we do? We watch movies, play games, do things that make us feel a part of something? But when we are honest with ourselves, when we leave the theater, we're really just us. We have a story. We live a story (I am sounding like Donald Miller right now). We always want to be a part of something, but what is that SOMETHING we want to be a part of?
I'm a big fan of the idea that all stories point to the ultimate story teller (God). I don't want to give the Harry Potter movie away, but there is a sacrifice made, a self-less sacrifice. Who DOESN'T want to be a part of a story of such noble character (Now I sound like my dad, making sermon illistrations out of a cupcakes)!?
If I remember correctly, we are invited to participate is such a story. Christ wants to live in us. He wants us to not only know His story of self-less death and resurrection, but also to partake in His story and be the church, the body of Christ. We want to be a part of something because we were made to be a part of something. But if we don't realize what that something is and take part in THAT story then the things we try to be a part of will never fulfill us. We will walk out of the theater feeling like idiots in capes.

It's the little things...

Like staying in your all-red PJ's the majority of the day.
Like cleaning your room while simultaniously your sister is cleaning hers and she brings you new-used clothes.
Like making a bouquet of flowers and finding dozens of freshly hatched baby lady bugs on one of the leaves.
Like scheduling your own doctor's appointments because "You are an adult now."
Like watching your grandparents sleep because they are old and they can sleep anytime, anywhere.
Like cooking with your mom and sister and burning the rice only to find that "I think its better without the rice!"
Like watching juice TV shows and getting angry when you can't solve the mystery in 30 minutes.
Like playing online games and communally sucking at spelling.
Like thinking the moon is too bright.
Like having your voice back and being able to sing on the drive home.
Like brushing your teeth because you now have a dentist appointment in August.
...you know, stuff like that.

Home Base

Thursday.
I babysat Kai Sprock (this is the 16 month boy I've been hanging out with every Tuesday Thursday). He sleeps forever and I read books. then we play and dance and drum and learn new words. He LOVES blueberries and anything in a ball shape. and mowing. It is very fun. I like babysitting.

Then I went back to my townhouse to pack. Didn't leave Marion until about 7:00pm. Ohio is the worst state to drive in. The speed limit on highway 70 fluctuates from 55-70 mph. Its super annoying for a girl who is working really hard not to get any more speeding tickets! I finally arrived in this girls loving embrace around 12:40am.

Why yes, she is a Registered Nurse, check the badge.

She fed me cobbler and icecream and gave me a warm bed and a shower. So lovely to be in the Horswell home. always laughs. always.
Friday.
I woke up early and left about the same time Brittany left for the hospital. Breakfast was delicious. The drive from Charleston, WV to Greensboro, NC is my favorite. The West Virginia turnpike, foggy (at least this time) HUGE mountains, 3 toll booths, the starbucks I usually stop at, 2 tunnels and my favorite look out where you can see into the state of North Carolina near the Blue Ridge park way. it's a sight. I truly do love my drive home. It's always fun to see the trees once I get into NC. The more I come back to my state, the more I fall in love with it. I drove through my neighborhood blaring Dog Days by Florence+the machines and as I drove up to my house, mom was out in her garden working and dancing to my music. It was a great welcome home. Her moves are boss. Then after running some errands around Greensboro, we met up with Hillary and Kyle and drove 4 hours to North Myrtle Beach, SC where my grandparents live. We got there around 10:00pm settled our things and snuggled in for bed. Mom and I slept in the same bed, apparently she can't fall asleep without playing on her iPod touch to settle down first, this cracked me up. I fell right to sleep, I was so tired.
Saturday.
We all woke up to the delivery man bringing a new refrigerator for my grandparents at 8:30am. Then we picked up Christa from her week with Blake's family at breakfast and headed to the beach. I am now very sun burnt because I somehow overlooked my chest area when applying sunscreen and fell asleep in a beach chair. After some beach and pool playtime, we all showered and headed to Olive Garden. Then we went shopping. I've had the same bathing suit since my Junior year of high school, so mom bought me 2 new ones (They were on sale!). Then we went to sleep. Christa slept on couch cushions.
Sunday.
We had church as a family, it was good to hear what God is doing in all of our lives. But it was also weird to process the future of what our family will look like this coming year. Hillary and Kyle are moving to Wilmington, NC- which is really exciting because they love their church and the community there and have been praying for this move for awhile. Christa will be starting her first year of college at Garder Webb in Boiling Springs, NC. Dad will continue working near Atlanta, GA as an army chaplain. And mom will continue working in the cafeteria of Wesleyan Academy in High Point, NC. Then of course I will be finishing my Senior year at IWU in Marion, IN. That was a lot of detail, but its just so weird to think of how we will literally be all over the map. God is at work. I can't wait to see what this year has in store for my family. After church we hit the beach more, i put on spf 50 for my burnt areas. Then we ate cake and icecream with my grandparents and headed back home.
Monday.
Today I woke up and took Christa to get her car at Blake's house, then picked up some boxes from the cafeteria for Hillary and Kyle, then got starbucks for mom and I. After eating some lunch, I got to skype Bethany while I cleaned my room. Then mom and I went to World Market because I wanted to shop for spices, but I needed her input. Mom liked world market. she's going to try the Daniel fast. I am excited for her. I bought spices, black lose leaf tea (for my China Town tea pot!), a mashed potato mix, Thai red curry, and 2 wooden spoons. I am continuing to learn adulthood. It was really fun to shop for homey stuff with mom and hear her wisdom on different kitchen stuff. Afterwards, I went to play ultimate frisbee with Hope Chapel. This is when I saw Jill and a surprise visit from Ashley! It was like 98 degrees today in Greensboro. My shins were sweating. Then we went to Stamey's BBQ for dinner. I got cobbler a la mode for dessert, it was wonderful. Now I am fully showered and ready for bed.
I don't know why I decided to document these days so formally and in such detail, but I did. I hope you enjoyed reading them. If you didn't then try to contact the people from X-Men and they can hopefully erase your memory. But I don't think you get your time back, so I am sorry for that.

Guilt to Grace? I don't know what to title this...

I've been thinking about the ways I spend my time lately.
I've been sick the past few days and I really hate getting sick. It makes me sit still and I get all angry inside because I can't get up and move about without feeling like my head will explode. I sleep a lot. I watch movies or read. I feel like i'm not being productive. But being sick also makes me think straight, I feel like I get back to the basics of what I actually think about myself and my life. Its weird, but I kind of like that feeling. I find myself more content in some ways.
I am such an American, I thrive on productivity! That's so nasty. You know what is also nasty? Guilt. The guilt monster lives on my back. He tells me I'm a failure a lot when I don't get something done that I set out to do. He's such a punk. If he were real I'd punch him in the gut.
I have this dream schedule of my life where I work out regularly, read my bible and other books, clean, write people, be creative... its impossible. If you know me, I'm not really a schedule person. I like having things in order, but I like the mess of life too. All those things get done, just not at the same time. I don't really mind interruptions. I could probably live up to that listy-schedule if I were a robot. But i'm not a robot. I'm human, I am a female human and I live a messy life. But things get done. I need to just accept that. It's not going to change. So I guess I need to just tell that guilt monster to suck it (Don't judge me that I just said suck it). I need to live in better things than guilt like- love and peace and grace... the fruits of the spirit!

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law" Galatians 5:22-23.

Bottom line: Law leads to guilt, grace leads to freedom through Christ.

Coffee

Today I found Starbucks coffee at Marsh for half off! So of course I bought 2 pounds and it was like a BOGO sale, Lovin' that! But then later on, I found out that the coffee was whole beans. So I have to find a grinder now to get my coarsely ground coffee.

Yes, I do realize this is a boring post. But if you read the previous one you'll find that its a bit ironic. Also, Anne and I cooked dinner for our townhouse friends. That was fun.

today and yesterday

I did good today and yesterday. I've been trying to wake up earlier and actually do something with my mornings even if its just taking time for myself. So i've eaten breakfast and made coffee both mornings. I love mornings. They are so quiet and beautiful. The outside is just lovely in the mornings, everything is still quiet and waking up. i like that. My townhouse is quiet too. Everyone goes to work by like 8:00 then I get up and its all nice and chill. Sometimes when I wake up in the mornings I think about how I haven't talked until I see someone and then when I see that person I kind of want to tell them that they were the first ones to hear my voice today... and its like 2:00 in the afternoon and i've been up for like 6 hours. Maybe that seems self-absorbed, but its just funny to think about.
The cereal that I've been eating was given to me by one of my freshmen at the end of the year. So it was free, and it's probably stale, but I actually think it tastes good! I'm wondering though if I only think it tastes good because I know it was free and I want to eat it and save money. I should probably get an outsiders perspective.
The coffee that I've been drinking is the three region blend from Starbucks. It's so goooood. I felt like such a beginner adult trying to buy whole ground Starbucks coffee. There are so many ways to grind coffee, who knew? I got mine coarsely ground. Sometimes there are just little details you don't realize you don't know until you start getting your hands dirty.
I just jammed my finger in the door before writing this post making typing more interesting and I spilled my coffee a little.
Being an adult is messy, but i'm learning lots.
...Oh, and I read and write and clean in the mornings too. I'll post about the books I'm reading soon.

The internet

I'm usually terrible at surfing the internet. When the internet came out people learned a web surfing skill that I completely missed out on. I don't know how it happened, but it did. I end up doing all my social networking then not knowing what else to do and just get off.
So today I spent some time on the internet. And I think I found my favorite website... at least for now. It took me awhile to surf the cyber waves, but I like where the tide has taken me. It's called buyolympia.com its a little artsy website... similar to etsy. There are 4 people in Portland, OR who run the website and they made it to help their friends sell their handmade stuff. It's cool. These are the favorite items I found today.
I haven't spent money on here, but I'm getting very tempted.



I like this photographer.


This one is on a T-shirt. I don't always like graphic T's on me, but i like the design of this one.


And this is my favorite. It's a picture. It's called Lost In Space. I'll probably buy it for my room.

Letters

I took an Inductive Bible Study class last year, t'was a great class. In the textbook, there was a bit of truth that I will never forget. It explained the feelings one gets when they receive a love letter either from a friend or family or boyfriend/girlfriend, whatever. Everyone can relate. When you get this letter from a loved one, you look at it very carefully. You take the time to double check the envelope and make sure you got every last drop of whatever that person sent you. It's funny. I got a letter from a friend today and began turning it over, checking the envelope, looking at it from every angle to make sure I didn't miss anything. I was trying so hard to soak up that person, their words and essentially feel all of the love I could possibly feel from this simple piece of mail.

The textbook said that this is how we should view God's word.

Ouch. I don't do this with my bible. I don't read the chapters over and over flipping it upside down to make sure I didn't miss anything. I don't try to soak up every drop that I can from the scripture. It makes me sick to think that I love people more than God, but my actions make this seem true. Time after time I will choose to make my friendships and loved ones my idol and not my savior. He wrote me the perfect love letter and I don't even give it half of the attention I gave that letter today. Friendships and loved ones are a beautiful gift from God, He has created each of us to need both Him and His community, but when we abuse those gifts it becomes distasteful to His sight. Father, help me not to do this. I need scripture. I need to soak in the love God has lade out for me on those pages.

The dynamics of God's word are amazing. How can I not want more of it?

Hebrews 4:12 "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

Paul

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
II Corinthians 12:9-10

Ps- I promise I'll actually write things from my head soon.

He makes me rest

You can listen to this if you want... i mean, i dig it.

I miss my family.

I'll just say it. I don't say it enough, especially to them. Probably because I don't like being sappy and when I say stuff like that they get all sappy and make me want to cry and I cry too much already.
I think the thing I miss most these days is having them understand me. I like knowing that if I do weird things they know I'm just being me and I don't feel like I have to defend my behavior and act like an adult or something. I like being able to be hyper one second and then mellow and chill in my room the next. I miss my room. It has 3 blue walls and 1 orange wall and there is a bed and a little book shelf and a dresser and a desk (which is probably covered with Christa's crap right now), and a night stand... it's fun to hang out in there. Nothing too exciting, but just enough to keep me content. I think my family is pretty unique. We've been through a lot and I like where we are now. Even though we are distant, there is still a lot of togetherness. They mean a lot to me. The foundation of love they have shown me has really shaped who I am and my concept of home and family. I'm ecstatic to be home for a little bit at the end of May!
So Hillary (I think you're the only one that reads this)- know that I love you and I miss you. Even though I struggle to say it, its true.

I would like to welcome you out of my head

Sometimes I want people to just know what's going on in my head and other times I wish they would stop trying to get in there. I don't know the balance. I live in a lot of paradoxical thoughts and feelings, it gets confusing to me, and also to those around me (at least I think they're confused, maybe they get me more than I do). I don't know how to delve through them. I feels like i'm swimming in oil with my eyes open. I should be able to see what's going on under there, but it's so dark I can't see. Yet in the midst of the dark oil it's worth ALOT. I know my thoughts and feelings are legitimate. They are rich and valuable, but I don't know how to swim in them.

I'm a feeler. Stuff gets to me and when it does it cuts deep. Lately, I don't trust my feelings. That's super confusing. Many times feelings are my truth, so when my truth looks like a lie how am I to know which way is up?

So maybe I want people in there... swimming around helping me figure out which way is up. Or maybe I want to journey alone and try to figure it out on my own. I don't know which is better. For now, I'm just going to choose the truth of scripture in the midst of the rich yet muggy oil.

Lamentations 3:22-24
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

minus the HW thing...

I get too tired to write most days, it's hard for me to let the leash off my thoughts. I'm working on a healthy balance though.

Minus the fact that I didn't get any homework done, today was a pretty fun day. Had breakfast with friends at J & L's, small group, Bobby hangout day, Jackie's track meet, Toy Story 3 (tears and snotty noses... mostly Bobby) and now I'm about to do some reading before bed. It's good to have a balanced day.

My goal for this week, work really hard on homework so I can relax for the weekends. And start running more. I'm seriously going to have to crawl the Hodson Half if I don't start jumping on my pony!

"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
Psalm 46:10

Nesting

Today I thought about how I wish I had a mac.
Then I thought about the steps I want to take before getting a mac, like getting one of those protective coverings and putting it on my dell for now.
Then I started comparing it to a mother hen nesting for her little chicks.
Then I felt really dumb for being so materialistic and wanting to nest for a computer.
So I kept reading my homework and moved on.
I'm excited about my classes this semester.
All for now.

2011 Goals

"Resolution" = too overwhelming of a word for me, so I'm changing it to "Goals."

2011 Goals
1. Eat more fruit.
2. Write more letters.
3. Be more organized.
4. Learn to take intentional alone time.
5. Don't waste money.
6. Be consistent with working out.
7. Spend more time outside.
8. Learn to live 1 Peter 4.
9. Clean out my material goods.
10. Grab life by the throat 6 days a week and learn to sabbath when its time (aka don't waste a good story on laziness).

...I'm aloud to amend these when needed, but thats the jist.

School starts tomorrow.

Barnes

Oh Barnes, I wish i had one of you near by in Marion. The smell of books, the mocha, the two old ladies talk crap about all the stuff they don't like about their lives... can i just talk about that for a second... I try not to eves drop, but i think a minute ago they were talking about grandkids and how they "come in for breaks, see who they want to see and go back to school." That's sad. I try to make an effort to see my grandparents when i'm home. I hope they don't think that about me... I should be more intentional about that.
So i'm sitting at Barnes and Noble, kind of hoping that the people near the power strip will leave soon cause my cord is too short and i don't want to be a fire hazard, but my house doesn't have internet, so i'm kind of desperado.
I had a thought on the drive over here that i wanted to talk about and now i don't remember it. Maybe if i get more power i'll bring it back up.
Duces.