oh, and this too...

I usually don't like Christian music (which sounds bad), but I like this song.

Work in Progress

He's still working on me to make me what I ought to be.
It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars,
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.
How loving and patient He must be, He's still working on me.

These lyrics are just ringing in my head as I try to figure out what angle God is getting at these days and what He's trying to mold me to be like. I know he's the best at shaping me and anything I want to do to get in the way is just idiotic. His ways are higher than my ways. But sometimes it just seems like He wants me to take the hard road and I feel my heels digging into the sand holding back stubbornly wanting to have my own way with life. But I know "He's still working on me to make me what I ought to be." I just don't like this discipline stage I'm in right now. Its hard and I just want to skip it. 

Hebrews 12:4-13 (The whole section really, but here's the highlights...)

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed."

Insurance

Learning about insurance is like trying to learn spanish for me. I just get really frustrated and I want to curse.

Then I can't focus to understand what it actually going on when Dad is trying to explain things like deductibles and what if I have cancer in the future... Its times like these where I just don't want to grow up.

But I've also told myself not to worry. I know God is taking care of me and all I have to do is keep walking forward and He is going to figure it all out. I just need to continue in obedience.


Matthew 6
²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?   ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. 

Womanhood

This morning, after watching Sabrina (Audrey Hepburn movie) with Christa, I decided that I should embrace my femininity in new ways. This might sound a little cheesy to some. But I thought about how if I have a baby girl someday she's going to need my help learning how to be a woman and I want to teach her right! I want her to be able to feel like she can play with Barbies and try out different hair styles and do her own make up... you know all that girl stuff I'm usually not into. So I decided this morning that I'm going to learn that stuff and be more intentional at not rejecting it like I usually do.
NOW, this doesn't mean I'm going to come back to school next semester with lots of make up or new hair styles or whatever... but I have changed my mindset a bit.

With that, I went shopping today and bought some Christmas gifts. Jill and I found these really snazzy vintage boots downtown and I was challenged with this new resolution of femininity... so I tried on the semi high-heeled leather boots and walked around a bit. It felt a little weird and I didn't end up buying them, but I'm going to take mom back tomorrow and get her opinion... she's probably going to go nuts. She loves when I pick out girly stuff. My mom is such a woman.
I should keep taking woman lessons from her I guess.

That's all for now. I'll let you know if I get the boots. Wearing them around would make me a whole new woman... I'm not sure if I'm ready.

Low Rider

Take a little trip, take a little trip with me. 

This was my top jam for the drive home today.
I wish everyone could ride home with me. Its such a beautiful drive. West Virginia mountains are my favorite and the Ohio straights are my least favorite. Bethany can testify that if I end up in KY though that's the leastest of the favorites.

Hillary and Kyle live at the beach, Dad is still in ATL, and Mom and Christa are watching my cousin dance in the Nutcracker. But at least Chloe and the Christmas tree were here to greet me!
(This makes my family sound like the don't appreciate me. But they do, I promise, the timing just didn't work out.)

So I might take a nap before I meet up with Jill for Coffee and picking up Sarah from the airport. She gets home from Italy tonight. Weird.

I can't wait to see my friends and family! Its weird sitting here in my room so close, but everyone still being out of reach.

Disclaimer

Please note: The last post was written during finals week and should in no way reflect my capabilities as a blogger.

Thank you.

I don't even like sandals.

But yesterday I had the urge to wear my sandals.

They should have done free fresh brew again today. Appreciate me McConn.

I got cookies from my mom in the mail yesterday. She did such a good job with them that I thought they were from my grandma! Go mom! I was so excited that I walked around and handed lots of them out. I won't finish them all anyways so might as well spread that NC love. 

One of the Lodges in my unit overflowed their toilet at 11:45pm. So we mopped for awhile and then the emergency maintenance guys showed up to help. Then we got to rest before lots more finals. 

3 more. 

Finals

Today
Spanish speaking section: Check! 80% I'm content.

10:00 Minority Group 

2:00-6:00 Work at the Bookstore

Tuesday
8:00 Marriage and Family
10:00 Intro to Social Work
3:30 Study with Malinda Moon Cox!

Wednesday
8:00 Spanish
3:00 Community Development Workshop

Party all day party all night.

12:52 am

I'm writing a 5 pages paper tonight and there's nothing anyone can do to stop me.
I have so many thoughts on homosexuality I might just write 10 pages.
Doubtful.
God is teaching me so many new things through this paper. I wish I had more time to give the paper a more developed perspective, but I must write it and move on... but i'm sure my thoughts and knowledge will not stop. I want to learn how to love people well. This will probably always be a lesson I will pursue, so as I learn more and dialogue more with the homosexual community, my hope is to learn more of how God sees them and love them as He loves them.
There are just so many things to learn in life. I like learning. I don't like deadlines AT ALL, but I like the things I've learned from going to school all these years.
Somedays I get excited that when my kids start school I get to start school again and relearn all the stuff I never payed attention to. So when my kids pick up the Great Gatsby in the 10th grade, I'm going to read it with them and I'm not going to let them sparknote it like I did.
Or maybe I'll just homeschool my kids and make them watch this like my parents did with me.
Oh boy.

It's getting there...

I just realized my paper that's due Friday is 5-7 pages NOT 7-10! 

Thank you Lord for little blessings. 

The TO-DO (don't read that like todo) list is slowly getting done and the joy of Christmas will begin filling my heart in much bigger ways than it already has. 

But for now, focus is key. 

God has called me to be a student in this time and I want to honor Him with that. 

The thing about high tables

is that you can't just scoot your chair up. It can be hard for a little-legged person like myself.

This morning I'm listening to Imagine (I do not encourage the philosophy this song portrays) in Elder Hall and trying to be a dreamer of what my life will be when I'm done with school and I get to enjoy mornings without thinking about homework. I could be reading a fun book right now or eating breakfast I'll make for myself in my crumby pots and pans. OR BOTH! Or I could write more blogs and tell more people about my life and thoughts on life. Or I could write letters to my family. Or I could go running in the foggy feeling of this morning. Or I could learn guitar. Or call my mom, she would like that... You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

The Need

Yesterday I prayed that the Lord would just come back and take us home.

It was the first time I'd prayed that and truly felt in my heart that I meant it.

Usually I pray that prayer flippantly while in the back of my head I'm thinking... "Come back Lord, BUT could I just have a family and kids first. I think that would be fun. Maybe let me experience some of the joys of this life before going on to be with You in eternity..." You know, stuff like that. Let me get out of college or accomplish something with my life...

But no, this time I was serious. I told God we are broken and that I'm unhappy with being broken. I told Him we just want to be fixed and go home. I said it with a little anger and frustration that He won't just take us home. I said it with the same sense of homesickness that I said was feeling before Thanksgiving.

It was cool. I mean, it was sad to feel that the world is broken, but it was cool to truly connect with the feeling of NEED for a Savior to come and redeem this broken world.

Hopeful Laments

So I'm in a small group and we're learning about the Church calendar. We have a blog for our experiences through the Advent season. Some of my blogs may be from those blog posts just so you know the context when you see one....... ok. 


This is a little of what I was trying to articulate tonight in our small group. Its from my journal, but its applicable.


I feel overwhelmed lately with a sense of grief and sadness. I don't think i'm clinically depressed or anything, but I cry ALOT. If I've counted correctly, minus Thanksgiving break (where I think I was too busy to cry), I have cried everyday for the past month.

Certain things just set me off... Alot of it has been my own dealings with relationships, while other times its the sadness/brokenness around me. I'm just easily touched these days.

I don't think its bad that I can cry at the drop of a hat for the things outside of myself but the things inside of me, I feel aren't right. And every time it happens I get even more frustrated as to why I can't stop crying. I don't like feeling out of control of what's happening to me, but I know there is purpose in it.

I don't want to be a needy person. I want to feel that I can stand with the Lord by my side through anything. And maybe that's it. Maybe God is teaching me to take hold of Him in a more intimate way. But it really hurts to feel like I have to loose my other relationships to do that. I don't like feeling alone and I don't think its healthy to feel that way. I know there is a healthy medium between relying on God for everything and relying on humans, I just can't seem to find it.

I interviewed my Social Work friend, Robert Ayres this morning for a class. He brought up a good point that I feel applies to my sadness these days. It went something like... "You can't deal with the broken population unless you deal with your own brokenness first." Not that you have to be all fixed and perfect, but having a past in something and then trying to help others heal is not proper. Its like being on a plane where they tell you to put your oxygen mask on before helping anyone around you. Its not selfish to try to save your own life, but its necessary if you want to survive long enough help the person next to you. So if I think I'm going to help people relationally, I have to walk through the fire and figure all this stuff out for myself before getting to that point where I can be the most helpful.

In the midst of Advent, the whole mourning for the brokenness and sadness around me makes sense. Bobby Gross in his book Living the Christian year, describes advent as a time for songs and groans. We mourn for the broken world, but we joyfully sing of the coming King who is here to restore such brokenness. He has come and is coming to fix what is broken. Matthew 5 talks about how Christ did not come to abolish the law but to fulfill it. It talks about the heart behind the things that we do and how broken we are on the inside before our thoughts even come into action. And at the end of the chapter we are called to be "perfect as your Father is perfect." How do we do that? I don't know yet.

So I guess this grief feeling is a curse and a blessing. Its given me this perspective of how Christ came to fix what is broken, and to truly feel that something is broken and needs fixing... so Christmas is worth the wait because of that. But its still not easy knowing that the world is so very broken, I am still so very broken and the time has not yet come for all things to be fixed.

"So sing and let your songs be joyful longings; groan and let your cries be hopeful laments."
-Bobby Gross