Home Base

Thursday.
I babysat Kai Sprock (this is the 16 month boy I've been hanging out with every Tuesday Thursday). He sleeps forever and I read books. then we play and dance and drum and learn new words. He LOVES blueberries and anything in a ball shape. and mowing. It is very fun. I like babysitting.

Then I went back to my townhouse to pack. Didn't leave Marion until about 7:00pm. Ohio is the worst state to drive in. The speed limit on highway 70 fluctuates from 55-70 mph. Its super annoying for a girl who is working really hard not to get any more speeding tickets! I finally arrived in this girls loving embrace around 12:40am.

Why yes, she is a Registered Nurse, check the badge.

She fed me cobbler and icecream and gave me a warm bed and a shower. So lovely to be in the Horswell home. always laughs. always.
Friday.
I woke up early and left about the same time Brittany left for the hospital. Breakfast was delicious. The drive from Charleston, WV to Greensboro, NC is my favorite. The West Virginia turnpike, foggy (at least this time) HUGE mountains, 3 toll booths, the starbucks I usually stop at, 2 tunnels and my favorite look out where you can see into the state of North Carolina near the Blue Ridge park way. it's a sight. I truly do love my drive home. It's always fun to see the trees once I get into NC. The more I come back to my state, the more I fall in love with it. I drove through my neighborhood blaring Dog Days by Florence+the machines and as I drove up to my house, mom was out in her garden working and dancing to my music. It was a great welcome home. Her moves are boss. Then after running some errands around Greensboro, we met up with Hillary and Kyle and drove 4 hours to North Myrtle Beach, SC where my grandparents live. We got there around 10:00pm settled our things and snuggled in for bed. Mom and I slept in the same bed, apparently she can't fall asleep without playing on her iPod touch to settle down first, this cracked me up. I fell right to sleep, I was so tired.
Saturday.
We all woke up to the delivery man bringing a new refrigerator for my grandparents at 8:30am. Then we picked up Christa from her week with Blake's family at breakfast and headed to the beach. I am now very sun burnt because I somehow overlooked my chest area when applying sunscreen and fell asleep in a beach chair. After some beach and pool playtime, we all showered and headed to Olive Garden. Then we went shopping. I've had the same bathing suit since my Junior year of high school, so mom bought me 2 new ones (They were on sale!). Then we went to sleep. Christa slept on couch cushions.
Sunday.
We had church as a family, it was good to hear what God is doing in all of our lives. But it was also weird to process the future of what our family will look like this coming year. Hillary and Kyle are moving to Wilmington, NC- which is really exciting because they love their church and the community there and have been praying for this move for awhile. Christa will be starting her first year of college at Garder Webb in Boiling Springs, NC. Dad will continue working near Atlanta, GA as an army chaplain. And mom will continue working in the cafeteria of Wesleyan Academy in High Point, NC. Then of course I will be finishing my Senior year at IWU in Marion, IN. That was a lot of detail, but its just so weird to think of how we will literally be all over the map. God is at work. I can't wait to see what this year has in store for my family. After church we hit the beach more, i put on spf 50 for my burnt areas. Then we ate cake and icecream with my grandparents and headed back home.
Monday.
Today I woke up and took Christa to get her car at Blake's house, then picked up some boxes from the cafeteria for Hillary and Kyle, then got starbucks for mom and I. After eating some lunch, I got to skype Bethany while I cleaned my room. Then mom and I went to World Market because I wanted to shop for spices, but I needed her input. Mom liked world market. she's going to try the Daniel fast. I am excited for her. I bought spices, black lose leaf tea (for my China Town tea pot!), a mashed potato mix, Thai red curry, and 2 wooden spoons. I am continuing to learn adulthood. It was really fun to shop for homey stuff with mom and hear her wisdom on different kitchen stuff. Afterwards, I went to play ultimate frisbee with Hope Chapel. This is when I saw Jill and a surprise visit from Ashley! It was like 98 degrees today in Greensboro. My shins were sweating. Then we went to Stamey's BBQ for dinner. I got cobbler a la mode for dessert, it was wonderful. Now I am fully showered and ready for bed.
I don't know why I decided to document these days so formally and in such detail, but I did. I hope you enjoyed reading them. If you didn't then try to contact the people from X-Men and they can hopefully erase your memory. But I don't think you get your time back, so I am sorry for that.

Guilt to Grace? I don't know what to title this...

I've been thinking about the ways I spend my time lately.
I've been sick the past few days and I really hate getting sick. It makes me sit still and I get all angry inside because I can't get up and move about without feeling like my head will explode. I sleep a lot. I watch movies or read. I feel like i'm not being productive. But being sick also makes me think straight, I feel like I get back to the basics of what I actually think about myself and my life. Its weird, but I kind of like that feeling. I find myself more content in some ways.
I am such an American, I thrive on productivity! That's so nasty. You know what is also nasty? Guilt. The guilt monster lives on my back. He tells me I'm a failure a lot when I don't get something done that I set out to do. He's such a punk. If he were real I'd punch him in the gut.
I have this dream schedule of my life where I work out regularly, read my bible and other books, clean, write people, be creative... its impossible. If you know me, I'm not really a schedule person. I like having things in order, but I like the mess of life too. All those things get done, just not at the same time. I don't really mind interruptions. I could probably live up to that listy-schedule if I were a robot. But i'm not a robot. I'm human, I am a female human and I live a messy life. But things get done. I need to just accept that. It's not going to change. So I guess I need to just tell that guilt monster to suck it (Don't judge me that I just said suck it). I need to live in better things than guilt like- love and peace and grace... the fruits of the spirit!

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law" Galatians 5:22-23.

Bottom line: Law leads to guilt, grace leads to freedom through Christ.

Coffee

Today I found Starbucks coffee at Marsh for half off! So of course I bought 2 pounds and it was like a BOGO sale, Lovin' that! But then later on, I found out that the coffee was whole beans. So I have to find a grinder now to get my coarsely ground coffee.

Yes, I do realize this is a boring post. But if you read the previous one you'll find that its a bit ironic. Also, Anne and I cooked dinner for our townhouse friends. That was fun.

today and yesterday

I did good today and yesterday. I've been trying to wake up earlier and actually do something with my mornings even if its just taking time for myself. So i've eaten breakfast and made coffee both mornings. I love mornings. They are so quiet and beautiful. The outside is just lovely in the mornings, everything is still quiet and waking up. i like that. My townhouse is quiet too. Everyone goes to work by like 8:00 then I get up and its all nice and chill. Sometimes when I wake up in the mornings I think about how I haven't talked until I see someone and then when I see that person I kind of want to tell them that they were the first ones to hear my voice today... and its like 2:00 in the afternoon and i've been up for like 6 hours. Maybe that seems self-absorbed, but its just funny to think about.
The cereal that I've been eating was given to me by one of my freshmen at the end of the year. So it was free, and it's probably stale, but I actually think it tastes good! I'm wondering though if I only think it tastes good because I know it was free and I want to eat it and save money. I should probably get an outsiders perspective.
The coffee that I've been drinking is the three region blend from Starbucks. It's so goooood. I felt like such a beginner adult trying to buy whole ground Starbucks coffee. There are so many ways to grind coffee, who knew? I got mine coarsely ground. Sometimes there are just little details you don't realize you don't know until you start getting your hands dirty.
I just jammed my finger in the door before writing this post making typing more interesting and I spilled my coffee a little.
Being an adult is messy, but i'm learning lots.
...Oh, and I read and write and clean in the mornings too. I'll post about the books I'm reading soon.

The internet

I'm usually terrible at surfing the internet. When the internet came out people learned a web surfing skill that I completely missed out on. I don't know how it happened, but it did. I end up doing all my social networking then not knowing what else to do and just get off.
So today I spent some time on the internet. And I think I found my favorite website... at least for now. It took me awhile to surf the cyber waves, but I like where the tide has taken me. It's called buyolympia.com its a little artsy website... similar to etsy. There are 4 people in Portland, OR who run the website and they made it to help their friends sell their handmade stuff. It's cool. These are the favorite items I found today.
I haven't spent money on here, but I'm getting very tempted.



I like this photographer.


This one is on a T-shirt. I don't always like graphic T's on me, but i like the design of this one.


And this is my favorite. It's a picture. It's called Lost In Space. I'll probably buy it for my room.

Letters

I took an Inductive Bible Study class last year, t'was a great class. In the textbook, there was a bit of truth that I will never forget. It explained the feelings one gets when they receive a love letter either from a friend or family or boyfriend/girlfriend, whatever. Everyone can relate. When you get this letter from a loved one, you look at it very carefully. You take the time to double check the envelope and make sure you got every last drop of whatever that person sent you. It's funny. I got a letter from a friend today and began turning it over, checking the envelope, looking at it from every angle to make sure I didn't miss anything. I was trying so hard to soak up that person, their words and essentially feel all of the love I could possibly feel from this simple piece of mail.

The textbook said that this is how we should view God's word.

Ouch. I don't do this with my bible. I don't read the chapters over and over flipping it upside down to make sure I didn't miss anything. I don't try to soak up every drop that I can from the scripture. It makes me sick to think that I love people more than God, but my actions make this seem true. Time after time I will choose to make my friendships and loved ones my idol and not my savior. He wrote me the perfect love letter and I don't even give it half of the attention I gave that letter today. Friendships and loved ones are a beautiful gift from God, He has created each of us to need both Him and His community, but when we abuse those gifts it becomes distasteful to His sight. Father, help me not to do this. I need scripture. I need to soak in the love God has lade out for me on those pages.

The dynamics of God's word are amazing. How can I not want more of it?

Hebrews 4:12 "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

Paul

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
II Corinthians 12:9-10

Ps- I promise I'll actually write things from my head soon.

He makes me rest

You can listen to this if you want... i mean, i dig it.

I miss my family.

I'll just say it. I don't say it enough, especially to them. Probably because I don't like being sappy and when I say stuff like that they get all sappy and make me want to cry and I cry too much already.
I think the thing I miss most these days is having them understand me. I like knowing that if I do weird things they know I'm just being me and I don't feel like I have to defend my behavior and act like an adult or something. I like being able to be hyper one second and then mellow and chill in my room the next. I miss my room. It has 3 blue walls and 1 orange wall and there is a bed and a little book shelf and a dresser and a desk (which is probably covered with Christa's crap right now), and a night stand... it's fun to hang out in there. Nothing too exciting, but just enough to keep me content. I think my family is pretty unique. We've been through a lot and I like where we are now. Even though we are distant, there is still a lot of togetherness. They mean a lot to me. The foundation of love they have shown me has really shaped who I am and my concept of home and family. I'm ecstatic to be home for a little bit at the end of May!
So Hillary (I think you're the only one that reads this)- know that I love you and I miss you. Even though I struggle to say it, its true.

I would like to welcome you out of my head

Sometimes I want people to just know what's going on in my head and other times I wish they would stop trying to get in there. I don't know the balance. I live in a lot of paradoxical thoughts and feelings, it gets confusing to me, and also to those around me (at least I think they're confused, maybe they get me more than I do). I don't know how to delve through them. I feels like i'm swimming in oil with my eyes open. I should be able to see what's going on under there, but it's so dark I can't see. Yet in the midst of the dark oil it's worth ALOT. I know my thoughts and feelings are legitimate. They are rich and valuable, but I don't know how to swim in them.

I'm a feeler. Stuff gets to me and when it does it cuts deep. Lately, I don't trust my feelings. That's super confusing. Many times feelings are my truth, so when my truth looks like a lie how am I to know which way is up?

So maybe I want people in there... swimming around helping me figure out which way is up. Or maybe I want to journey alone and try to figure it out on my own. I don't know which is better. For now, I'm just going to choose the truth of scripture in the midst of the rich yet muggy oil.

Lamentations 3:22-24
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”